T O P
Pristine-Performer76

Unsure of how to move forward, can’t stop thinking about her 4 years ago I met this girl online, we were friends and as we got closer we had feelings for each other and then we would start to text and call constantly. As we got closer I started to feel extreme guilt because of the fact that we were going about things “unislamically.” Id voice my opinion to her about how I wanted her to involve her parents because I’d atleast feel peace of mind that I wasn’t talking to her behind her parents back but she wouldn’t do it because she was afraid that if her mom found out she’d be very angry and assume that she wasn’t taking her studies as seriously because she’s talking to a guy. Everytime I’d bring it up she would kind of make an excuse. I didn’t really feel like a priority and it made me feel sad. Sometimes when marriage talk would get brought up she’d claim she didn’t wanna move away from her mom and I’d have to go to live in her location. I felt like she wasn’t sacrificing anything. I don’t blame her for her reasons but I just didn’t think it was worth it for me. It took a lot of willpower but I basically let her go for the sake of Allah because I didn’t want to continue in a “gf/bf” manner when I truly wanted something halal and blessed from the beginning. She’s not a bad girl whatsoever and definitely didn’t have bad intentions, we were both just young and needed that support/affection in our life. When I ended it, it was in a very kind and respectful manner and I told her that if in the future things changed that maybe naseeb would reconnect us and if she was ready we could go about things the right way. The issue is that when I let her go she claimed how she would always love/care about me and could only see herself marrying me and what not and it gives me a sense of hope that she might randomly one day message me telling me that she’s serious and ready and wants to go through with things the right way. I don’t know what to do. For over a year I’ve been trying to get over her, I have 0 contact with her and don’t have her on any social media or anything. I just cannot seem to get over her. Some of my friends suggested trying to find a different girl and I’m not opposed but I’m afraid that I’ll still be stuck up on the previous girl while talking to a new one and I don’t want to do that. I’m just really not sure how to get over her or what to do. A small part of me keeps me waiting for naseeb to reconnect us but another part of me is trying to erase her from my mind and soul entirely. Any advice on what to do? This situation has affected my mental severely and it sucks.


throwawayvtuhjgg

Wow i just started using the Muslim marriage apps recently and today i got an email saying muzmatch is dead??? It's still loading up normally but does this mean it's going to be taken down soon? I liked it better than salams because of the usability was just better but salams does seem to have a lot more users from what i can tell.


[deleted]

[удалено]


amumamuma

In my experience as a British Pakistani, most Pakistanis here seem to be able to speak their parents' language. Or maybe it's just my area, or perhaps I spot it more often because I can't speak another language and always feel left out :') Anyway, there are other ways than just parents, uni and online apps - there's also marriage events, friends who can matchmake, the masjid community etc.


CringingAt3Am

People who ghost so they can spare ones feelings it’s like people who distract you from the pain of paper cut by stabbing you in the back


[deleted]

I can’t imagine how their marriages turn out.


CringingAt3Am

Exactly my thoughts


YMarriage

I think it's sometimes to keep up their own good self-image of themselves. Honestly probably not bad people but they don't want to feel mean.


donpakio

The lack of interest and compatibility, that topped with the timeline of the whole process has led me to the decision, can't forget istikhara.


Gamiz2000

I just broke up from a relationship with a christian woman, and I need some reassurance that Allah would prefer I marry a Muslim woman even though marrying a Christian is permissible. That would be the only thing to keep me content and secure in my decision, which is getting a bit difficult to do right now.


blando_ME

It’s a decision that will affect your generations to come. It’s unbelievable that Boris what’s-his-face’s ancestors were ottoman Muslims, intact I think his great grand dad was a Hafidh or something. May Allah give you steadfastness in this decision, reward you with more good than you could ask for in its return, and make your generations to come a sadaqah jariyah for you. Abu Qatadah reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better for you.” Source: Musnad Aḥmad 23074


throwawayvtuhjgg

I'm a guy, got a direct message on an app from a girl. They seem nice from their profile but I don't think we'd be compatible when it comes to religious/personal values (I'm looking for someone who wears abaya and hijab which from their pictures they don't, weirdly i made this clear in my profile and they still messaged). I'm newer to the apps and unsure of what to do in these situations. Do you accept the message and just politely decline? Or is it better to just decline the message outright? What would y'all prefer in this situation? Personally if it were me I'd rather they just decline the message so it's not awkward but not sure if everyone feels that way.


mrpraline33

Just decline it with a polite message and keep it brief. Something like "Thanks for reaching out. I read your profile and while it looked interesting, I feel that we might not be a good match for one another. May Allah give you a great spouse. Best of luck with your search"


throwawayvtuhjgg

Thanks! I went with something along these lines and feels better than just ignoring it.


Goku560

What app did they message you on?


throwawayvtuhjgg

My bad didn't mean like Instagram or anything like that. Using Muzmatch/Salams


[deleted]

[удалено]


amumamuma

Your worries are valid. It sucks that your family are deciding your own dealbreakers for you - if you don't want to live far away they should respect that. Is it possible to get to know him a bit more? The aim being that you'll either come to like him and become less worried about moving, or you'll find other reasons to reject him that your family might accept. Remember that if your final answer to the marriage is no, your family must respect that. If they become difficult then it might be worth contacting an Imam or someone to talk some sense into them. > I find it unfair that they aren’t accepting any potentials I bring up What reasons do they give for this? This is also an issue that contacting an Imam might solve. Also, if you've not already tried to, sitting them down and having a proper talk with them yourself could also help.


[deleted]

[удалено]


hpnerd101

I highly suggest you back out of this…marrying the right person should make you feel excited about marriage! And you said it yourself…you feel indifferent towards him and you don’t think you’d be a good wife. Family pressure sucks and I’m sorry they’re doing this to you…but it’s **your** life. **You** are going to the the one moving, living with him, and sleeping with him, etc. I really suggest taking a break from the search and getting into some therapy…not just for your relationship issues but also because of the trauma from your mom’s death and the dark thoughts you’ve been having.


GiGaN00B

It's hard to find women who are CF (Child Free). Let alone finding one locally :(.


Valium2022

There are a few of us out there. Might have to be more flexible with location/distance in your search.


GiGaN00B

JZK, i did. I met many sister with great personalities, maşallah. But it didn't click between us :(. Ya Allah, grant all of us a suitable SO.


Valium2022

Ameen!🤍


CringingAt3Am

Not sure why people think using throwaway accounts is enough to make safe for them to talk about whatever on Reddit without caution


[deleted]

What do you mean?


docvanrede

There are so many weirdos on reddit


CringingAt3Am

Especially ones with hijabi/niqabi fetishes


Lonely_Anteater_4177

I just got my heart broken by someone who I really loved. I don’t know whether to keep making dua for Allah to reunite us or for me to just give up on this person. Can you even make dua for one sided love? What if they come back later? Just need some advice and support and maybe even your own personal stories. My heart hurts a lot right now please make dua for me


Lonsit

It would be better to pray for the right, good husband in general, whoever it might be. Praying for a specific person might lead to you not being able to forget them. Also, Allah is a better judge than yourself regarding what is good for you. > *“And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.”* (AI-Baqarah, 2:216) May Allah bless you with a good, fitting husband.


Lonely_Anteater_4177

Ameen Thankyou for getting back to me but what if I really want this person like I want this specific person I’ve been making dua and I know dua can change qadr I have been praying endlessly during these last ten nights hoping my dua will be heard on Layla tal qadr. Allah says you can make dua and ask for anything so if I really want this person why should I stop you know?


Middle-Lingonberry-3

Sorry to butt in, but what if the person doesn't want to be with you and hes making dua to be with someone else, do you still want to be with them! 😐 maybe start working on how to get over this person and show them your better off without them rather than trying to get them back. Alot of people go through this and theres no time frame on how long you need to take to get over them but its best to start sooner rather than later. There's definitely life without this person you had it before you met them, and theres probably a better suit out there which Allah has picked for you.


Lonely_Anteater_4177

He really loved me and wanted to be with a couple months ago he told his parents and everything all of a sudden I don’t know what happened and he isn’t making dua to be with anyone else but he jusr says he doesn’t want me anymore but I don’t get it


Agentflask

How old are you abs how is he?


Lonely_Anteater_4177

We both are 20


Agentflask

It can be hormonal imbalances. You will see a guy loves you with his life next thing he lost interest in you. Or he might be going through depression. Remember, once you are rejected you will face that again if you don’t love on. Hopefully you understand your situation coz he lost interests so it’s time for you to let him go


Middle-Lingonberry-3

Hes a fool basically, dont waste your time and duas on him. Why do you want marry a kid who cannot commit, you get him now but what about future where hes useless and cant take care of you ir cant guve justification for his actions. Likely his parents said no and hes not a man enough to admit it or pursue it further with them. Ask him 1 final time for a reason because he has wasted your time and you deserve a justification and if he doesn't tell you anything... tell him now its over, tell him you dont want to see him every again, not to bother you or try to get in contact with you unless he comes to your doorstep with a hand in marriage. Don't waste a minute of your precious time on him, hes capable of doing everything except answer to you! He doesn't need duas he needs a slap at the back of his neck to help him grow up. Don't show him your weakness, you show it to Allah. Im sorry, I dont mean to be harsh but dont let feelings blind you, if hes not showing interest, please try to move on, its not easy but take it 1 day at a time, you will have days where you are worse but you need to carry on with your life without him (its like going on a diet to detoxify yourself from bad food, first days are hard but as you continue to for dew months you get some days when its really hard but you continue, then you get the good days where you see the results). Also, speak to your family (only if they are understanding) & friends for support, in times like these you need support from where ever and pray you move on.


Lonely_Anteater_4177

I know but idk a part of me just thinks that this whole month I prayed endlessly for Allah to reunite us I made dua, prayed tahujjud and asked for it in every sujood on layla tal qadr I even started randomly crying while making tahujjud for him and just I started to feel so hopeful about Allah reuniting us and I was getting closer to the deen too!! But after seeing him today and getting rejected again it’s made me feel so hopeless and confused like why did Allah have me pray and make all those duas? Like was this a sign from Allah to move on? But what about that whole idea that you should make dua to Allah for something you want even when it gets hard and seems hopeless. Like was this just Allah telling me right now isn’t the right time but I will reunite you guys later ? Or was it Allah not accepting my dua I’m so confused and don’t know what to do


Lonsit

Because you cannot know whether this person is really good for you. It would be better to just put your trust im Allah. Making Dua for him specificly might just worsen your unhealthy obsession with him. You need to be able to forget him, stop torturing yourself. If he is meant for you then Allah will bless you with him anyway - so just leave it to him and make general Duas instead.


Lonely_Anteater_4177

I know but idk a part of me just thinks that this whole month I prayed endlessly for Allah to reunite us I made dua, prayed tahujjud and asked for it in every sujood on layla tal qadr I even started randomly crying while making tahujjud for him and just I started to feel so hopeful about Allah reuniting us and I was getting closer to the deen too!! But after seeing him today and getting rejected again it’s made me feel so hopeless and confused like why did Allah have me pray and make all those duas? Like was this a sign from Allah to move on? But what about that whole idea that you should make dua to Allah for something you want even when it gets hard and seems hopeless. Like was this just Allah telling me right now isn’t the right time but I will reunite you guys later ? Or was it Allah not accepting my dua I’m so confused and don’t know what to do


Lonsit

Some people pray for things which are, unbeknownst to them, bad for them. Some people pray to be reuinited with their abusive and manipulative Ex. Why should Allah grant them this wish if he wills good for them? As I have said, he knows better than yourself what is good for you, so just put your trust in him. Duas will be answered in one of the three following ways: - Allah will bless his servant with what he has made Dua for - Allah won't realize the Dua and instead bless his servant with something even better - Allah will realize the Dua in the afterlife


believer98

Bro it's not meant to be doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Inshallah you'll find someone better. Don't be tunnel visioned. Prayer is meant to worship Allah, if you prayed only for the guy you should reevaluate yourself. Second, if Allah doesn't fulfill a dua, he will reward it with something better so trust in Allah. You don't know the reason Allah made you make that dua. Finally, this is really an issue among some people, and imo shows that they're not ready for marriage, is that people shouldn't be too emotionally involved before marriage, especially if the parents don't know.


bshsbshs123

Need honest opinions please: Context potential is a family friend, I get the religious vibe from him as well. Potentials mother asks me to come round often (probably so her son and me can talk idk). We haven’t exchanged numbers or anything - the few convos we had was from me coming over and him taking the opportunity :// I come round once every few months and with a reason ie for a aqeeqah or hafla. Every time I see him it’s the same shy glances and smiles at first, but boisterous convos once we talk. The last time I completely aired him because I become so frustrated with the situation- I felt like he was getting to know me unofficially and with low effort. Potential has never said he likes me or is interested. I had an inkling from the questions asked and the general body language etc. But quickly potentials mother spoke to my mother of interest but nothing came of this. She has been saying they are going to come round for months. I have been making lots of Dua and please include me in yours, but does this sound like it’s going anywhere. Of course I’ll never know how he feels unless I ask but I’m not sure if this ‘halal’ way makes you want to hide feelings until much later in the process or he’s just testing the waters with me till he finds someone else idkk. I’m not expecting him to date me but just some clarity of intention! Like do you even like me?do you want me to wait till your ready? Etc ://// I know the men’s side usually lead so is asking is kinda taboo. Whole thing has had me stressed for months and it’s not like my mum knows either.


sihat

> I know the men’s side usually lead so is asking is kinda taboo. Whole thing has had me stressed for months and it’s not like my mum knows either. > I’ll never know how he feels unless I ask Ask. He might be interested, but not think you are interested. Thus not want to creep you out or bother you. Creeping out or bothering girls is bigger taboo. Khadja/Hatice and [other women sahaba have proposed](https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5871). > I come round once every few months and with a reason ie for a aqeeqah or hafla. Those are perfectly good reasons to come. And aren't an indicator that you are interested in him. Even his mother might not have told him of her efforts. The guy might have no clue, he is in a marriage related talk/situation at all. Might think he is just being polite to one of his mom's friends/students. ----------------- A women being interested in a man. The man having no clue, until years later in some cases is a cliché for a reason.


guavas82

i hate this culture where women arent allowed to approach men for marriage. u should ask him and dont be ashamed


believer98

Just ask bro stop over complicating things


bshsbshs123

Loooool even thinking about asking that is scary


believer98

If you can't ask and it's scary how scary is marriage gonna be


ControlSpiral

Well your only other options are to either not go for it then or steel/brace yourself to ask him anyway 🤷‍♂️


throwclose_mm

Why do people bother making an iso if they can ain't going to respond ??


docvanrede

If they dont respind, just mean, they have no interest with you. They dont owe you anything , just move on to another iso


throwclose_mm

Yeah I assumed that, but common decency would be to respond like I'm sorry but I'm not interested or I'm sorry but I'm talking to my someone else, etc.


docvanrede

I know some sisters who prefer to give silence treatment because some men can not accept the rejection and they (the men) demand explanation or being rude. May Allah ease you in all matters.


mrpraline33

If they act rude, can't they just block them?


[deleted]

Some men really can’t take rejection. I’m traumatized by the things I’ve been told. I almost expect mean things now lol Yes you can block but being told you are ugly and that they hope you die are not fun things to hear !


Shiningcoal00

That reveals their level of maturity.


mrpraline33

Sorry you had to go through that :( It's really sad how mean some people could be


squidgey1

Going to reactivate Muzmatch after Eid insha'Allah...I've lost count of how many times I've done this. *sigh*


peace_97

Look at you! I’m really proud of you for getting back on the horse. May Allah make it easy for you sis and grant you a husband who not only meets but also exceeds all your expectations. Ameen 💖


squidgey1

Ameen & jazaak Allahu Khayrun! Yep, I'll be flogging a dead horse... I mean.. back on the horse 🥲


sweatydoood

Just deleted my account a few days ago, and I've never felt more free (although I'm still on the search). I've determined that app to be detrimental to and for me. May Allah help us all.


Valium2022

May Allah (SWT) grant you a pious, kind & handsome spouse, sister 💜


squidgey1

Ameen, jazaak Allahu Khayrun sis 💚


hakh12

Same here. Though i resent the idea of finding someone to marry from the apps


squidgey1

For me it's the disappointing cycle of approaching the apps with optimism and being let down lolll, even after lowering my standards lol. The worst is when someone you actually like ... likes you first and when you match, they view your profile and don't respond lol. Clearly I was a false swipe 🤡


throwawayvtuhjgg

Oh no I've done this but not because a false swipe, more because I started talking to someone else in the meantime since then and prefer to talk to one person at a time. Would you prefer people in this situation message saying something like hey i started talking to another person already and prefer to speak to one at a time? I wouldn't want them to feel like a back up option but it's just kinda luck of who ends up matching first. I just assumed as long as i don't unmatch they'll know I'm interested and if things don't work out with one person i can message them after. I'm still newer to these apps though and i am trying to learn the proper etiquette so it's nice seeing what people prefer on here. I've matched multiple at once initially (just started on apps a few days ago) and after talking to one and thinking things are going well unmatched the others before running into a deal breaker and regretting unmatching the others too soon.


squidgey1

Assalamu alaikum and thanks for the insight! I think be as open and as honest as possible - maybe put a line in your bio apologising if you don't talk straight away because of your rule - I think that's the best way about it insha'Allah! May Allah subhana wa ta'ala bless you in your search. Ameen


throwawayvtuhjgg

Good call, I'll add something like that in, jazakallahukhair!


squidgey1

Wa iyyakum!


AmpFibian

That clown 🤡 emoji perfectly describes this cycle.


squidgey1

What can I say, I am a master clown in these situations 😭🤡😂


AmpFibian

If you don't mind me asking how's the in person search been like? For me personally I prefer only taking to women i know irl, not that i have been approaching them with the intention of marriage or anything just friendly convo


squidgey1

Non-existent! I haven't had the opportunity to be around potentials through education etc, and I only have female acquaintances. Those nearest to me don't have any potential recommendations either, so apps are my only option.


AmpFibian

Ahh sorry to hear that. In person friendly convo helps develop skills in talking with the opposite gender. And you can get to know them with out the whole pressure of them being your pOtEeNtIaL


squidgey1

I kinda want to limit normal chit chat with men, also - I just haven't had the opportunity to even be exposed to a practicing Muslim male IRL. A shame but, Allah swt always and ultimately knows best regardless of my opinion! 🙂


SeventhDawn7

This is the correct way, sister. Don’t listen to those who suggest that you breach the boundaries of Allah by having friendships or unnecessary interactions with the opposite gender. Inshallah Allah will bless you with a great husband through the halal means of his barakah.


AmpFibian

Believe me I totally understand that. How some guys are i don't think i will be chit chatting if i was a woman. I wish you luck and inshallah you will find someone nice and understanding


[deleted]

[удалено]


fishlove21

Same way I would react to anyone else being vulnerable about their insecurities- reassure him that he's being silly and he's the best, and then drop subtle compliments and reassurances without being obvious to boost him up from then on. Also, you deserve it. We're given success as a gift from Allah, you deserve it.


Bints4Bints

Thats the imposter syndrome. I think it's relatively common, but yeah it's qadr and the skills youve learnt over the years


Madamelady_

lol, bro is suffering from success. jk, on a more serious note, being vulnerable with your potential spouse is good as it allows both of you to get closer. and if she thinks less of you for expressing your feelings and concerns then shes not the one, or just immature.


throwclose_mm

Alhamdulillah


squidgey1

Lolling because I have physical insecurities and can really relate 🤣 I read that the best way to slide this into a conversation is to open up slightly with something not so deep and see how they react. If they respect you even so, you can slowly peel back your layers...key word...slowly. If they laugh off or dismiss you, well...pretty obvious that they're not the one. On being "not deserving of success", may I respectfully remind you of giving regular sadaqah as a way of shukr to Allah swt, and also reading upon the decree of the Almighty..."qadr". Everyone's rizq (sustenance) is largely predetermined, so say Alhamdulillah in the good times, and Allah swt will insha'Allah have your back in the bad times too.


hpnerd101

Unfortunately, there are *some* women who will belittle a man for that…but many won’t and will gladly comfort you and support you. I personally wouldn’t lose respect for my husband and InshAllah he does open up to me, as I believe having these deep, emotional conversations brings people closer. I’d want to know how to support my husband and InshAllah I’m the coolness of his eyes :)


Moug-10

That's why I will try and never tell her my insecurities.


squidgey1

Sis you're a gem masha'Allah


hpnerd101

Thanks :,) I just want someone to squeeze and protect and annoy and love 🥺🥺


squidgey1

May Allah subhana wa ta'ala bless you with what you want and sooo much more! Ameen! Ramadhan isn't over yet ✨️ make those extra duas sis 😉


RotiRounderThanYours

Prayers for my friend who is dealing with issues in her marriage please. 3 young kids and they’re almost going to divorce. Pray Allah swt places mercy in their hearts for each other & they reconcile.


Moug-10

Even if they do divorce, it can be a blessing in the long run. I have a cousin who got divorced while having 4 kids with her ex-husband. It was the best thing since he was violent. She moved out, found her current husband and they have three kids together. Had she been surrounded by horrible relatives, they would have told her to stay and only Allah knows what could have been the outcome. I only wish the ex contacts his kids more often.


RotiRounderThanYours

I honestly don’t think so in their particular situation. I’ve known these people for years - they are not bad people. It’s just the stress of kids over the years has taken a toll on their marriage. Plus divorce should be the last resort & they haven’t even tried individual and marriage counselling yet. Sometimes taking a break/separating, working on yourself, making amends & repenting is better than jumping the gun and divorcing. Divorce is easy when there are no kids, but with 3 kids, it’s not easy in the long run. May Allah make it easy for them and do whatever is best


Moug-10

I wasn't aware, ukhti. In that case, Insha'Allah they'll use every options they have left to work things out.


RotiRounderThanYours

Insha’Allah JazakiAllah khair sis


Moug-10

I'm a bro


squidgey1

My heart breaks when kids are involved. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make it easy for her. Ameen


RotiRounderThanYours

I know we always throw around the word “divorce” on this sub but to see it happening to someone you care about when kids are involved is so heartbreaking. Pray Allah makes it easy for her family on these last days of Ramadan & for everyone facing difficulties in their marriage.


squidgey1

Will do 💔


always-humble

Salaam guys, From my fellow family friends and circles I have heard something that I wanted to clear up. A way that a family may reject a potential spouse is by saying ‘my isthkhara did not lead me to marrying here’. I wanted to ask, how plausible is this? I believe with isthkhara you are meant to do it and make a decision rather than wait for a sign/feeling? I am not sure if the isthkhara for marriage is therefore different to performing it for other reasons. It sounds as if it’s just an excuse to say no? I would love to hear your views, Jzk


amumamuma

> I believe with isthkhara you are meant to do it and make a decision rather than wait for a sign/feeling? You're right. A surprising amount of people think otherwise though.


always-humble

Definitely! So not too sure what they mean by this, I think culture plays a role definitely


kayleon229

a simple “we are not compatible” would do


[deleted]

[удалено]


always-humble

But are we meant to be seeing signs? Isthkhara is putting your trust in Allah and making a decision, leaving it in His hands. Dreams and thoughts are merely our own worldly constructs surely. Only my 2 pence


sizzleNgrill

Yeah, people here are just really weird when it comes to istikhara. It’s literally just a dua thats a sunnah, its highly recommended by the prophet as well. However there’s no way to tell what the answer is, just do your best


always-humble

Literally! I think there may be a cultural aspect to it from what I’ve heard from other sisters


alienuser21

Yep alot of the aunties do that you dodge a bullet honestly..Allah has better plans


always-humble

It reveals more about their knowledge really!


alienuser21

They knowledge and there mindset again you dodge a bullet .


LycheeBoba29

Ramadan is almost over (Eid Mubarak everyone!) so I'm getting back on socials again after taking a much needed hiatus. Turns out the apps are exactly as they used to be, some things never change, do they? Also, I had 2 rishtas this month come to my parents. One of which my dad literally went "if you won't want your own daughter to marry him then don't send them our way" which I thought went hard for a guy who bought me a tub of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream because I was sad (he hates mint chocolate) and was so excited to show me a picture of him and his friends at the masjid for taraweeh 🥺 May Allah bless us with spouses who we're proud to show to our parents and who will get along with our families, and may He make us the same for our other halves. Ameen!


Acceptable-Name-6515

Aww your dad sounds so sweet, mashaAllah 🥲❤️ And Ameen!!


LycheeBoba29

People ask why I have high standards lol it’s because I know what it’s like to be cared for 🤷🏽‍♀️ Alhamdulillah for our parents!


believer98

That's why I have high standards as well because of how well my mom takes care of me


Aychim

Salaam! Do you have an iso post? Edit: Boba is amazing but distance is a toughie. Honestly, Masha’Allah if you’re looking then I can’t say anything but good things about this sister Masha’Allah


peace_97

> Boba is amazing > Honestly, Masha’Allah if you’re looking then I can’t say anything but good things about this sister Masha’Allah As a totally unbiased party, I’d like to co-sign this. She’s got a heart of gold, a quick wit and a silver tongue. Make sure she has a continuous supply of boba and you’ll be all set.


LycheeBoba29

I did NOT pay her to say this btw \*discreetly slides you five dollars and a lychee boba\* not at all.


peace_97

> *discreetly slides you five dollars and a lychee boba* Pleasure doing business with you ma’am… I mean it’s the least I can do 👀🥚


ConfidenceRoutine809

Brother thank you for paying for my tuition and buying me a Tesla for Eid!


Aychim

ahahaha bless you bro ❤️


LycheeBoba29

Wa Salam! I do but it’s under a different account


Anonymous_Muslimx

Assalamu Alaikum, I, a female (27), have been talking to a potential prospect, male (29), for about a month. During the last 10 nights of Ramadan, I started my istikhara and my 7th day will be tomorrow. So far, I haven’t felt vastly different nor has my situation changed. I feel indifferent more than anything and continue to feel indifferent. I’m not sure what to make of it. The guy and his family is considering a trip to meet me and my family in about 2-3 weeks. I prefer to have an answer before that happens honestly. My parents are racist and my entire family is judgmental, I take their feedback with a grain of salt. They want me to only marry someone who makes 6 figures and has a degree in STEM. I’m looking for some guidance. Any help is appreciated. Jazakumullahukhairan in advance.


Aychim

I can’t tell you anything specific, Sis, but a brother on here taught me that istikhara doesn’t necessarily lead to signs and we should see if the path becomes easy


[deleted]

Assalamualaikum everyone I (26, F) am going through a very complicated and hard time . Alhumdulilah for everything and everyone. But there is something that is bothering me a lot since 3 years . My sister is one year older than me . Only if she gets married then I can . Now the reason is my parents will not look for my proposals until my elder sister gets hitched. Since 2019 my sister has been refusing to get married. As soon as the topic of wedding pops up she gets annoyed or upset . She has rejected many proposals till now I or my family have no clue why . She did like one proposal but due to some red flags we gave that up . As usual we all suspected her liking some one else. I asked a million times to tell who that guy is so that I can help her and let my parents know (fyi ~ my parents are chill they wouldn’t mind love marriage) . But she straight up denied that she has no one . She stated she wants a life partner who is a good looking with a great profession. As days passed by we were sympathetic towards her and always looked for proposals she preferred. Few days earlier I got to know that she was hanging out with a guy (he’s the same guy she used to go out with before and also chats with him on a daily basis I guess . I checked her phone I know I should’nt have done that but I wanted to know and find out why she was rejecting so many proposals. As soon as I found out , I confronted her . She cried a lot and said that he likes him but can’t get married to him because of his personal reasons ! In addition to this she said that she has her options open and wouldn’t mind even if he leaves her . The truth is it was just to pass time .. she has told me many things before which directs to enjoy our singlehood. (Please no hate towards my sister.) she’s a great daughter and sister as well . There’s one more proposal waiting but it’s the same story all over again she isn’t interested. My parents are very worried and frustrated. I cry almost everyday to sleep thinking of my parents. My situation makes me wanna cry too . I’m 26 and my parents haven’t started looking for me yet . It breaks my heart . I’m just sad .. please pray for me .. my sister has no reham on me . I don’t want to get into haram stuff . P.s Do not think I’m being desperate .


42gauge

You need to talk to your parents explaining that your sister has made her choice and that they need to start looking for you.


[deleted]

Yes inshaAllah.. I’ll soon speak to them ..


Agentflask

What’s the reason that they can’t get married?if they both like eachother then what can be the issue???


[deleted]

I have no idea . I think they want a casual thingy . I’m not sure .


Agentflask

Hmm Idk either but it’s out of your control right. I hope you find a lover in a halal way


[deleted]

Ameen


Chemical-Berry-516

Girl I'm crying as well in your place. Listen your parents have no right to hold you from marriage because of your sister. If your sister has chosen the haram path of hanging out with a man outside of marriage. Then it is her decision, her reasons why are only between herself and Allah swt. So if she chooses to not marry or accept proposals, it's up to her. You need to talk to your parents asap. In ethnic culture your ageing in the marriage market. So by the time she says yes you will have even slimmer prospects of finding your husband. And it appears from your post that you want to get married. So it's your right as well. You need to tell your parents about what's going on with your sister. It may be the only thing that would soften their hearts. If you find a suitor/ someone your interested with. Let your parents know & then get married. If their against it & u like his Deen and character, seek an imaam to be your wali. If your not getting any suitors because of your parents way of thinking. Reach out to your local mosque and ask a sheikh to speak to your parents. And if your just not finding anyone go to the masjid & submit an application for the masjid to find you suitors. And don't forget to make dua. You need to take this matter into your hands or else nothing in your situation will change. Also have sabr & ask for guidance from Allah swt. Inshallah my advice helps


[deleted]

Thank you for your kind words. I can’t talk to my parents about this I’m scared I find it very shameful. They will think I’m desperate even others I guess will think the same reading this post . I’m praying and making dua daily . I am in a country where masjid is not the route to find proposals. I don’t know what else to do .


Middle-Lingonberry-3

It's better to say something now, its not shameful, you want to do something good Islamically its only shameful because it's become a cultural thing if girl asks shes desperate ahh!!. Talk to them & tell them its affecting you & you want to get married if your sister was interested she would have gotten married by now, they dont want to be in a position where both of their daughters are old and cant get married (sorry I know this is emotional blackmail but they are doing the same with you). Also, you dont want to wait few years only to think to yourself, I should have said something when I was 26 (my moto in life; you wont know until you try it as long as it's not haram... And your not offending anyone your just doing whats best for you and what Islam tells one to do .....you cant wait for your sister forever. So please speak up, you do your bit and leave the rest to Allah.


[deleted]

InshaAllah inshaAllah I’m preparing for an exam . As soon as I’m done with it . I’ll talk to my parents.. I’ve had enough. I’ll start searching by myself.


Jellygosh

Reading this I feel the opposite of you being desperate. It's only natural you want to start looking for someone. My question is why you're not looking yourself as well? I don't think waiting around for your parents to look for people will do any good. I would advice to start reaching out to people and ask yourself around if you're not wanting to go on the apps.


[deleted]

Okay I will inshaAllah


OhHowtheturntables_

Imo its okay to be desperate for marriage if you're ready. Plus if I were you I'd directly tell them that just because the elder sister doesnt wanna marry, your right to marry doesnt get invalidated. Tell them there is no such rule and they are being inconsiderate of your feelings and are guilty of irresponsible parenting.


[deleted]

It’s not that easy .. I can’t tell all this to my parents. If I really was this straightforward I would’ve told them long back . I’m afraid..


Chemical-Berry-516

Sister, speaking marriage is nothing to be ashamed about. It is what will complete half of our Deen & Allah swt encourages us to get married. What is shameful though is seeking a haram relationship or dating outside of marriage. That is something that should give you shame and having boyfriends. Do your parents want you to do something haram? No. So you shouldn't feel embarrassed to look for getting married. Girl then we are all desperate if that's what you'd like to call it. I would happily encourage you to be desperate about getting married than commiting zina. If you feel shy about speaking about this topic though. Then I will advise you to speak about this matter instead to your mother & she could let your father know. Feeling embarrassed about desiring marriage is the first step shaytaan makes you comite so you fall into haram. You said that your parents don't mind a love marriage. So it shouldn't be really difficult okay. Please talk to them


[deleted]

Sure inshaAllah I need to build up the courage to do this . Please pray for me . Thank you for your reply .


alishaikrashid

May Allah Eases your situation


[deleted]

Ameen pray for me brother


zm093

Is it really misogyny if you said that you want a partner who doesn't smoke (including hookah, e-cigs)? For the record, I have never smoked in my life


oatmealshesays

Definitely no. If there are no double standards.


Bints4Bints

No


kayleon229

words have meanings misogyny: hatred for women so no, doesn’t make you misogynistic for having preferences. if you did smoke, that would make you hypocrite.


LycheeBoba29

I mean as long as you uphold the same standards you expect out of your future spouse, I don't see how that's wrong? I expect the exact same thing. No double standards


Nearby_Benefit4652

That word is just incorrectly overused to the point that I don’t even care to listen to the rest of what they have to say.


KurulusUsman

Hopefully this qualifies as marriage related enough because gifts are a love language... AliExpress has been sending me so many ads for amazing Eid/Muslim gifts. I won't give links because I can't vouch for the quality or reputation of a random seller I've never bought from, but some examples are a Surah Ikhlas wallclock, lamps or lanterns with crescents/Masjids, prayer peripheral sets, etc. Unique, visually appealing, and very reasonably priced. I know quality is hit or miss with AliExpress/Ebay/Wish but I've had decent luck more often than not after vetting seller and product reviews. One still needs to inspect the product before gifting it, and have a plan B in case the product is trash. Ordering them now would mean they may or may not arrive in time for Eid-ul-Adha. It takes a week or less for the package to get from China to Vancouver, another week to clear CBSA (customs), but then Canada Post loads it onto their delivery tortoises and it can take 1-3 months for the package to finish it's journey. Sometimes they ship from China to Toronto, shortening the tortoise leg of the route so it arrives within a month. There's also serious ethical concerns behind how the products are made. I'm not sure how to deal with that because if I was to pick up something from a store that's also very likely to be made in China.


donpakio

Another candidate I'm not sure about so I'm calling it off, Do I feel pressured to marry ? Yess i doo but I also don't want to consider someone who I'm on the fence about


kayleon229

solid enough reason on my book


donpakio

The doubt alone was making me uneasy, a few months of light contact and irregular chats were enough to make me uneasy about my decision.


kayleon229

irregular chats and light contact made you doubt ? if so, you have to know life makes one busy.


canithaooennow

Second time a ristha got broken with a month left till nikkah. Depressing


Aychim

Alhamdulillah. May Allah grant you a pious spouse


muj123

Must have been a sign that it broke off


30PlusGang

The marriage market in my city is nonexistent. My brother has been trying to convince me to move to his city because it has the largest muslim population in the country so finding someone would be easier. I currently live at home rent free. My brother lives with our guy cousins rent free. If I move to his city, he doesn’t want me living with our cousins and wants us to get our own place where I have to chip in for rent. Is it finally time for me to start adulting? Do I want to live with my brother? All just to find a guy? What if I can’t find a job in the new city?


spkr4theliving

> All just to find a guy? Finding your life partner is one of the most important decisions of your life. Right now it's just an amorphous idea of a "guy", but what if you find a solid husband there? You'll have support there (your brother) and you can always come back home if it doesn't work out. It's not like you are moving countries such that you'd be way out of your element. Spread your wings and seize the opportunity.


lookingtotheocean

Seems like he could just try to find someone for you and set you two up to meet long distance rather than you moving now.


30PlusGang

He has been, but he’s hit a dead end because someone asking around on your behalf is uncommon in our culture so people haven’t been very receptive 😂😂


Chemical-Berry-516

Well that probably is the option you have or find someone back home. Nevertheless the most important thing for you to have is sabr because Allah has the correct timing for everything. Make dua & a lot of times when your not looking your spouse would show up. Also you may never be destined for marriage in this lifetime. But attain all the hasanat in the next life. It's Allah swt plan so you just need to have faith that it works. Psst: Allah swt is to his slave how his slave sees him.


lookingtotheocean

Hmm. So how would it work if you moved there? What would your approach be?


Moug-10

Something I notice. When people, in general, talk about making efforts, it's actually the man doing all the work and adjusting to his wife, even if her demands are silly. In Muslim forums, maybe because we base our lives on Quran and hadiths, we tend to know that both need to make efforts to reach the equilibrium point. Insha'Allah every husbands and wives will be able to make efforts to have a healthy marriage.


Chemical-Berry-516

I disagree with that & you'll be shocked. But you'll only see percpectives from the men's side because your a man & have no idea on what's going on in the other end.


Nearby_Benefit4652

Honestly, you hear what you want to hear. I would’ve agreed with you a year ago. But I actually realized that its not the case. Idk which it is to be quite frank with you. It’s hard to quantify such things without empirical evidence. You hear a lot of things but truth be told, sometimes there so much misconception that get spread like wildfire because they *sound* true and because they’re controversial. Although I did come across a survey that indicated that even though more women have started careers in hopes or having an egalitarian marriage, most still end up taking most of the household chores.


Acceptable-Name-6515

In my community, I actually notice the opposite, to the point that I sometimes wonder if there's any benefit in me getting married other than children. But definitely agree with you, both need to make effort!!


Purepulses

I’ve been thinking about this too. Allahu Allaum.


HealthIntact

I'm a little confused on the apps where I see some people say "just moved to (insert city/state here)" but their profile says that they are willing to relocate. Like really, are you really ready to relocate right after you just moved to a new location?


KurulusUsman

I'm not the one writing it on apps (since I'm not on any app), however I personally plan to move to a new city within a year (InshaAllah), and I don't plan on staying there long either (again, if Allah wills). Why not move to the next city directly instead of the stopgap city? For me it's for career-related reasons mainly, as the stopgap city has a lot of early career opportunities, and I don't even know where the destination city will be. Also my parents moved a lot in my life and before (Aleppo, Söğüt, just kidding), and I actually enjoy it.


Ok-Ad-6470

All depends on the situation, some people move quite often and don’t really ‘settle in’ anywhere. Best to just ask if you’re interested.


30PlusGang

I am some people. I’m used to moving. I love moving


not_Audreyhepburn

I am in need of your prayers guyss I'm 25f and can't get this person out of my head and heart. Astagfirullah I have been in love with this person since high school. We have never been in contact since high school, no mutual friends nothing but he lives rent-free in my mind lol. I have done everything to get rid of this feeling for him. It has been years, almost a decade! And my feelings haven't changed one bit. I have prayed and prayed and prayed but nothing. I feel like this is a test from Allah for me. I'm just so frustrated now like I wanna live and get married too. FYI this person got married last year. There isn't a day I don't see him in my dreams. Whenever I try to forget him, he comes into my dream or something would just happen that would remind me of him.


Middle-Lingonberry-3

Did you ever speak to him? What do you love about them, how much do you know about this person, his family and background? Is it just physical attraction? Seems like innocent crush turned into obsession and alot of waswasa's from Shaitan. Have you ever liked anyone before this person, have you ever found someone else attractive, like ever (just trying to understand your thought process sorry)


not_Audreyhepburn

I know this person from school, we were good friends back then. I know him, his family and friends too. What I adore about him is his deen, his love for Allah. He’s a good human being, MashaAllah. Not physical attraction tho. In my teen years, I did had crushes on people but nope since then I don’t find anyone attractive lol


Middle-Lingonberry-3

Im sure you can find other people who are on their deen and have same or maybe more love for Allah and is a good human being, did you think its possible!? We don't choose who we get attracted to sometimes but we can certainly choose to control our nafs. Its just the matter of you controlling your nafs and seeing outside the box. Your gonna end up going away from religion if you continue like this, if your having dreams about him daily that means your constantly thinking about him which is bad for you in so many ways. Ok good so you are capable of liking someone else your just choosing not to. Fact are: - he doesn't like you - hes married - and hes probably not thinking about you right now So take all that, and tell yourself its not gonna happen, I'm wasting my time and its going to lead to nothing because the fact is hes not invested in me at all I want to suggest something but not sure if it's going to work, so maybe start of from above


not_Audreyhepburn

“ • ⁠he doesn't like you • ⁠hes married • ⁠and hes probably not thinking about you right now So take all that, and tell yourself its not gonna happen, I'm wasting my time and its going to lead to nothing because the fact is hes not invested in me at all “” I remind myself daily that he’s not into me and all that you said. I think it’s really shaitaan’s waswas and nothing else. Thanks for your reply and advice. Appreciate it!


Agentflask

I fell in love with a girl and yes my health deteriorated over time coz she lived rent free in my head as well 😭


teedramusa

Go back to your high school and dig up his grades. You'll get the ick if he didn't do well or is too much of a nerd.


not_Audreyhepburn

Lol


slumta

Do you have him on social media where you are reminded of him every once in a while? I suggest you get rid of anything that can remind you of him and move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea and most of the times our feelings are far from reasonable, they’re usually irrational


not_Audreyhepburn

No, I don't have him on any of my socials. I guess, I should go for hypnotherapy to rid of this feeling lolll.


Lonsit

Did you actually even know him well?


not_Audreyhepburn

Yes, we were good friends in high school.


Acceptable-Name-6515

Kind of dreading the family gatherings coming up this Eid and the comments on how I'm still single 😭


thematrix1234

Hahah, I’m right there with you. Thankfully, I saw my family earlier this month so they got it out of their system. I’m hoping for a more low key Eid hang 😅


believer98

After getting on muzmatch again, I see so many people putting their caste in their description. I don't understand how you can grow up in the west and believe in caste, or let it affect your decision. Also I have no idea what these cases are like what's the difference between a Siddiqui and like someone else lol.


Agentflask

Caste: All about the spellings nothing special 🫡